By Pooja Joshi
11:54pm. The damn clock on the wall won’t stop ticking. Why do we still have that thing? I barely remember how to read analog.
Focus.
“Just have to fill out Demographics and then I’m submitting,” I’d said. “Oh! That’s the easiest part,” they’d replied. Maybe it’s easy for you.
I stare at the last question, my finger hovering above the mouse.
Which of the following best describes your sexual orientation (this information will be shared with the LGBTQ+ Students’ Association)?
X Straight
X Bisexual
X Lesbian
X Gay
X Queer
X Other
There’s a spasm in my finger, and I almost tick the box that says Queer. Whew. Stopped myself just in time.
Let’s think about this logically.
Frankly, it’s in my best interest to check the box, isn’t it? They like diversity. I’m a triple-intersectional identity. That means I’m good for the rest of the class, right? What if it’s down to me and someone else, and they pick me because I’ve ticked this box?
True, but…
Can’t hurt, right?
Who am I kidding? Everyone will know. Everyone will know.
This information will be shared with the LGBTQ+ Students’ Association.
Why? Why can’t it just be something some faceless admissions officer sees? Why can’t it be filed away in some locked drawer, never to see the light of day? Why does it have to be shared with the fucking LGTBQ+ Students’ Association?
Sigh.
Of course, it’s only logical. If my diversity is going to be good for the class, I’d better be out. Otherwise, none of it counts.
God.
11:57pm.
Focus.
I have to decide.
I move the cursor to the Straight box. Safe. Like I’ve always been. I’m qualified enough, I know I can get in without the diversity crutch.
But is it really me?
Another three years of people thinking they know me, when they don’t?
I’m really going to start yet another chapter in the closet?
Isn’t it time for this act of the story of my life to be over?
I move the cursor.
11:58pm.
Cursed clock won’t stop ticking.
I take a deep breath.
It’s now or never.
I click Straight. And then I submit.
Shit.
Pooja Joshi is an Indian-American writer from North Carolina. She is currently based in Boston, where she is pursuing an MBA/MPP at Harvard University. Previously, she has worked in health tech strategy and management consulting. Her work has been published in The Bombay Review, The Ekphrastic Review, Hive Avenue, The William & Mary Review, The Ilanot Review, Five Minutes, and a short story collection by Atomic Carnival Books. You can find her at www.pdjoshi.com or on X/Twitter @poojajoshitalks.
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