By Erin Schallmoser
The reason I do not want to go white-water rafting is because I would not be able to wear my hearing aids because I would not want them to get wet and because I would not be able to wear my hearing aids, I would not be able to hear the white-water rafting guy announce, “this is how you white-water raft!” and because I would not be able to hear the guy, I would not know how to white-water raft and also, later on, when we got to parts with the rocks, I would not be able to hear the white-water rafting guy yell, “watch out!” and because I would not be able to hear the guy, I would not watch out for the rocks, and even if I was already watching out for the rocks on my own, it wouldn’t do any good because I wouldn’t know what to do because I would not have heard the details from the white-water rafting guy about how to actually white-water raft, and therefore I would probably die, or at least be grievously injured, and because I would be grievously injured you would have to care for me, your wife, and because you would have to take care of me, you would not be able to leave to go on more white-water rafting trips or hiking trips or basically anything fun, ever, and because you would not be able to leave to do fun things, you would probably grow to resent me, your wife, and so we would probably get divorced, or at least be miserable in our marriage and so that is why I do not want to go white-water rafting, and it’s not because I am, as you just suggested, boring.
Erin Schallmoser (she/her) lives in Bellingham, WA and loves the moon. She’s also a poetry/prose editor and staff contributor at The Aurora Journal, editor-in-chief at Gastropoda, and is still figuring out Twitter @dialogofadream. You can read more at erinschallmoser.com/.